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> >
> > The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who
> > contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from
> > the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
> >
> > 1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
> > because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
> > milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
> into
> > the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
> > house down, killing both him and his sister.
> >
> > 2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
> of
> > suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and
> > weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
> > white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
> > create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
> > mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
> > its place. The other end of the hose was connected to an end of a hollow
> > wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end
> was
> > inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
> > suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of
> his
> > death to his family very awkward.
> >
> > 3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
> > when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
> > occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
> > crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
> around
> > their ankles.
> >
> > 4. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
> > before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was
> not
> > breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the
> couch,
> > naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR,
> she
> > noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and
> > removed the man-who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the
> > police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man
> had
> > made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they
> > discovered what caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of
> > putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between
> two
> > electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious
> > reasons).According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted
> > out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
> >
> > 5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
> > Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
> > killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
> > qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
> > driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
> > had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt
> to
> > press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost
> > her own.
> >
> > 6. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use
> > octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
> > County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of
> these
> > straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end
> to
> > the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren
> > Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was
> > alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he
> > had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
> > ground", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
> > "Major trauma".
> >
> > 7. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
> > friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
> The
> > friend-no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate-was hospitalized.
> >
> > 8. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
> > of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
> extinguishing
> > all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
> > building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
> > dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
> > navigating in thedark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked
> > (you can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the
> > sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving
> an
> > object, that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the
> > lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
> of
> > it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but
> the
> > lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
> suspected
> > of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
> peers.
Hey steve,
Just thought I would drop an email I checked out the web site it's very good , did you make it yourself? is it
very hard ? I have wanted to do one for the band but have no idea where to
start mabee you could give a few pointers ...
I have to tell a tale of one of my travels , as I may have mentioned I went
away for most of last year and lived in london and cruised about europe and
such , on the way home went to new york for a few weeks , and being a bit of
a ramones fan also (even though I only saw them once live) I made a point to
go out to CBGB's anyway I go to this place which is like crash and burn sort
of but way grimey and full on ,I swear by a million percent I was the
straightest cat within ten blocks of this place .
Anyway up on stage was this band playing some pretty predictable screamy
punk the thing that really took me back about this band was that they all
had really nice breasts and were playing topless!
ok so you think this is just a crass bit of attention grabbing but it gets
better when I looked closer at this band I realised not only were they
sporting in the flesh pam anderson breasts all over they were also all men
in the band! ha ha man it was quite disturbing I though it a good idea to go
and chat after the set for a laugh all I could think to say at the time was
you guys rocked. you can just picture the band meeting when they decided to
go on hormone pills " guys we need a gimmick"
anyway mate talk to you later
I will try and get a demo done for you soon also
Joel,
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> A LIST of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:
>
> 1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
>
> 2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
>
> 3. Gun wounds again?
>
> 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
>
> 5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
>
> 6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
>
> 7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
>
> 8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
>
> 9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
>
> 10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
>
> 11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
>
> 12. You daring lousy guy.
>
> 13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
>
> 14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
>
> 15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
>
> 16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
>
> 17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
>
> And finally...
>
> 18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
THE WEDDING: A True Story
Wedding PRICELESS...
This actually IS true! It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno
mentioned it on the Tonight Show. This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University:
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the
reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the
crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted
to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said
he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the
bottom of
everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He
said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the
envelopes.........
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having
sex............. with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private
detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there
and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to
the best man and said, "Fuck you!".........He turned to his bride and
said, "Fuck you!", and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and
said,......... "I'm out of here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most
of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out
about the
affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong.
His revenge:
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding
and reception.
Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in
front of all of their friends and their entire families.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might see
one of those MasterCard "Priceless" commercials out of this? Huh?
Elegant wedding for 300 family members and guests.... $32,000
Photographers for the wedding .... $3,000
Deluxe Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2 weeks.... $8,500
The look on everyone's faces after seeing a photo of the Bride and Best
Man having sex ............. Priceless!
TAFE EXAM
> >EXAM START
> >
> > 1. If Mario fits a monster tacho to his TE Gemini, how
> > much quicker will it go down the quarter mile along
> > Bexley Road on Friday night?
> >
> > 2. If Stella (who is 26) is only allowed to go out for
> > 8 hours on a weekend and on Friday night she goes out
> > with her 14 cousins to DCMs for 5 hours, how long can
> > she go to Norton St for a coffee on Sunday night?
> >
> > 3. Mohammed has 7 children and gets $600 a week from
> > Social Security, if he goes to the TAB and puts half
> > of it on a donkey in the 5th race at Warwick Farm
> > that's paying 22 to 1 because Ali says it's a fix, how
> > many stolen car stereos does he need to sell when the
> > horse fails to finish?
> >
> > 4. Jim has just got a big payout from workcover for a
> > bad back, does he:
> >
> > A: spend the money on a holiday back home to Greece
> > B: use the money to put Doric columns in his Earlwood
> > house verandah
> > C: go to the casino and try to double it.
> >
> > 5. George is going to the underage disco on Saturday.
> > Will he get in easier if he wears his Kappa tracksuit
> > or his Adidas tracksuit?
> >
> > 6. Mario and his mates are going cruising in Brighton
> > Le Sands on Friday night, how many stone chips will
> > his car get if he doesn't fit his car bra?
> >
> > 7. How much quicker will Ali's VK Commodore go if he
> > fits the stolen VL turbo badge on it and shifts the
> > number plate to the side so it looks like he's running
> > an intercooler?
> >
> > 8. From how far can you hear Ricky Martin being played
> > in Rocky's Hyundai Excel, if he has just fitted 2,500
> > watt amps and twin 15 inch subwoofers?
> >
> > 9. Habib want to go to Embassy nightclub on Saturday
> > night. How many cousins does he need to take with him
> > in case he gets thrown out and wants to fight the
> > bouncers?
> >
> > 10. Farouk's mates are going down to Maroubra Beach
> > for the day. How much gel will he need to take with
> > him if he goes into the water for a swim and still
> > wants to look cool for Maslins later?
> >
> > 11. How many chicks does Jimmy need to say he scored
> > on the weekend if he wants to sound cool to his work
> > mates at the panel beater's on Monday?
> >
> > 12. Spiro has got a big date on Saturday and wants to
> > look ripped in his skin tight lycra top. How much will
> > he need to bench press at the gym on Friday night?
> >
> > 13. Part A:
> >
> > Nick's 6 mates want to go down to Wiley Park McDonalds
> > in his VK Calais 5.0 ltr. How much petrol money does
> > he need to get off each guy if he's running a 3000rpm
> > stall and 4.11 diff ratio?
> >
> > Part B:
> >
> > If they cruise down Canterbury Road how many times
> > will they get called bloody wogs?
> >
> > Part C:
> >
> > On the way, how many drags will they have against XD
> > Falcons?
> >
> > 14. Who should Maria go out with this weekend if:
> > A: George is a DJ and drives a Gemini with fake
> > supercharger inlets
> > B: Mario works for his Father's concreting company and
> > drives an XF ute with a big block and Pioneer sound
> > system
> > C: John who's unemployed but can get drink cards at
> > Rivas nightclub
> >
> > 15. If Con works at Franklins at Fairfield, how much
> > overtime will he need to do to pay Ali the delivery
> > driver for the 'sick-mate' 18inch Simmons wheels he just
> > scored?
> >
> > 16. Part A:
> >
> > Nguyen's parents just bought him a brand new Honda
> > Civic. He has $2000 to spend on after-market parts for
> > his car. What should he buy:
> > A: A full 4inch stainless exhaust with a turbo tip
> > B: 18 inch Zepter chromed wheels and 25 series tyres
> > C: A rear Nascar wing
> > D: A Mugen racing sticker pack
> >
> > Part B:
> >
> > How many stuffed toys should he glue to the dashboard:
> > A: less than 10
> > B: More than 10
> > C: More than 20
> >
> > Part C:
> >
> > How much quicker will the car go if he colour codes
> > the mirrors, the brake rotors and windscreen wipers?
> >
> > 17. Mick wants to put either a Jim Beam sticker or a
> > Porn Star sticker on his Torana. Which one will get
> > him more roots?
> >
> > 18. If Gianni chops the springs in his parent's new VX
> > Commodore, how many times a week will he get hassled
> > by the cops if he puts 90% tinting on the windows as
> > well?
> >
> > 19. How much better will George's stereo system sound
> > if he puts an Alpine sticker on the back window of his
> > Bluebird?
> >
> > 20. Part A:
> >
> > Voula from Eastlakes shares a room with her 3 older
> > sisters. How much will she need to bribe her sisters
> > if she wants to sneak out and go to the Plaka Bar on
> > Saturday night?
> >
> > Part B:
> >
> > How many times a week does her father need to unblock
> > the sink in the bathroom?
> >
> > 21. Rosa wants to upgrade her phone from an Ericsson
> > to a Nokia because they are much cooler. Which one
> > should she go, for the 8250 or the 8210?
> >
> > 22. It's nearly summer and Guido, 19, is worried about
> > the hair growing on his back. Should he:
> > A: Shave it
> > B: Wax it
> > C: Get electrolysis like his sister
> > D: Leave it because his mates say chicks dig hairy men
> >
> > 23. Pina's parents just bought a new lounge room
> > suite. How long does the plastic stay on it?
> > A: 1 year
> > B: 2 years
> > C: Never comes off
> >
> > 24. Enzo wants to drop a burnout at Ashfield Maccas.
> > How many RPM will he need to get to before he drops
> > the clutch if his fat cousin is in the back seat?
> >
> > 25. Part A:
> >
> > Vince is going to Embassy on long weekend Sunday
> > night. How tight will his new hipster pants have to be
> > so that the door person won't check his ID?
> >
> > Part B:
> >
> > How much Kouros aftershave should he wear?
> >
> > 26. Ali's friend just bought a pro stock Gemini that
> > pulls 13 second quarters with a stock 1.6 ltr engine.
> > How many gauges does he need to complement the 4inch
> > exhaust he has just hose clamped to the old 1.75
> > inch system:
> > A: 2
> > B: 3
> > C: 4 or more.
> >
> > 27. Part A:
> >
> > Khalid wants to look like a homeboy from LA. Does he
> > wear his cap backwards or forwards when he goes to
> > George Street on Friday night?
> >
> > Part B:
> >
> > How low does he need to wear his pants?
> >
> > 28. If Soula leaves school at 14 to be become a beauty
> > therapist, how long will she need to work before she
> > saves enough money to go on a holiday to Greece?
> >
> >
> > 29. How long does it take Fadi and his mates to strip
> > a hot Subaru WRX?
> >
> > 30. If Azzurri loses this weekend in the soccer, how
> > many car windows will be smashed after the match?
> >
> > 31. Con and his mates are going to the Kick Boxing
> > fight at the Casino. How many fights will they try
> > and start in the line to Plaka afterwards?
> >
> > Bonus Questions:
> > 32. How many Holden Commodores are there in
> > Campbelltown?
> > 33. How many guys named Wayne are there in
> > Campbelltown?
> > 34. How many guys named Wayne are in Campbelltown that
> > drive Commodores?
> >
> > END OF EXAM
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